


Talking To Him

by digthewriter



Series: Reluctant [16]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Drug Use, Past Relationship(s), Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-08 23:03:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3226781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/digthewriter/pseuds/digthewriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur finally tells Merlin what his troubles have been.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Talking To Him

Mention of drug use. Suicide. Dark content (Not between Merlin/Arthur). 

* * *

They drove in silence. Arthur behind the wheel and Merlin just staring out the window at the street through the frosty window. After their interaction in the loo, Arthur had told Merlin that he wanted to stop by his place and change before heading off to the pub. Merlin had nodded and then they'd been quiet since then. It had been the strangest of days and Arthur was mentally kicking himself that he couldn't think of _anything_ to say to Merlin. 

Did he regret what happened between him and Merlin in the loo? It surely wasn't the way he wanted things to go and it'd—it'd just been _so_ long since Arthur had been touched like that—wanted like that—

But, it wasn't the reason. He did that with Merlin because he wanted him. He wanted him and he couldn't deny it; not even for one second. He wanted him since the day he'd seen Merlin sway his hips at the club. And he'd wanted him before he'd even met him. 

He pulled up at the parking spot in front of his flat and shut off the engine. What to do now? 

"Do you want to take it back?" Merlin asked giving Arthur a start. It'd been so quiet that Merlin's voice felt like a shout, even if it was soft. 

"No. Not at all. I don't—" 

"Then—" 

Arthur sighed and he grabbed the steering wheel of his car as if he was falling and he needed to hold onto _something_. "It's just...it's been a while." 

"And what? You can't move on?" 

Merlin made it sound so simple. Arthur shook his head. "No. Not move on. I can't— Trust." 

"What was his name?" Merlin asked; his voice was still soft and there wasn't a _hint_ of disdain, or jealousy, or even entitlement. 

"Jacob," Arthur said. "Jacob Miller." 

"How long..." Merlin paused. "I mean, I don't want to push..."

Arthur didn't say anything for a while, and neither did Merlin. They just stayed silent again, and Arthur liked that he could just do that with Merlin. Just stay there, quiet. 

"We met five years ago," Arthur began hesitantly and with every word he wanted to stop. Go back to just being in his sitting room with Merlin, kissing him, or back in the loo, watching Merlin climax. Because, things were going to change now, maybe even for the better, and he knew knew knew that he couldn't stop it. 

"It was a party that my former university friend was hosting. Jacob—Jake—was there. High as a kite. On so many things that I couldn't even count. I was, too. I dabbled a bit, nothing extreme like Jake or Cenred but I'd just graduated and it was my free year before I'd have to either work for my father or find a job. I was even thinking of applying for graduate schools in America; I'm sure my father would have _loved_ that." 

Arthur glanced a look at Merlin who only nodded that he was listening and was interested in learning more.

"Anyway, we'd shagged each other senseless at the party. Mostly in Cenred's bed. Then at parties after that and so on and so forth. Most of the times he was on something, and I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until he'd practically moved in with me that I had started to realise that I'd changed, too. I was almost always on something with him. I had to be because I was the one who was buying it off Cenred. Jake didn't have a job, and anything he got from his parents he blew it off on cigarettes and booze. My financial state was becoming a mess, too. I trusted Jake. I mean we eventually did live together and I'd give him money for rent and he wouldn't pay the landlord, but, go out. I'd got a job. Just something small that Morgana helped me with. Because I wasn't ready to go work for my father yet." 

Arthur stopped speaking to just gain some control over himself. He knew he was losing it. His knuckles were turning red from grabbing onto the steering wheel so hard. Merlin placed a hand on Arthur's wrist and rubbed it gently. "Take your time," he said.

"Morgana said that she'd pay my rent for the few months that I was behind for, as long as I'd checked myself into a rehab clinic. I realised that the only way I could be with Jake was if I was on whatever he was on, too. I'd started to show up high or drunk at the office. I was gone on a detox programme for two weeks and when I came back to the flat, it was a mess. There were two naked blokes in my bed, and Jake in-between them. I'd never thought..." Arthur ran a hand through his hair and Merlin's hold on him was still steady. 

"I mean—we'd stopped using condoms ages ago and I never thought that he'd have unprotected sex with other men. I tried to kick him out but I just couldn't do it. It wasn't the first time I'd tried that, but he always had this _control_ over me and I couldn't say no to him. Not at all. Eventually, he did leave. But...I didn't know at the time...apparently he'd gone to my father and asked him for money. Manipulated him somehow, even today, I have no idea what he'd said to my father or why my father had paid him off. But that didn't stop him. He came back, looking sober, but it was an act. I'd just fall for it over and over again." 

"How much did you father give him?" Merlin asked. It was probably to give Arthur a break from talking because Arthur could feel himself toppling off the edge; his voice quivered and he was choking on the sobs that he was holding back.

Arthur shrugged in response. "I don't know. I think five or six thousand pounds. Maybe. But by the time he'd come around to me, he'd spent it all, of course. Then I changed the locks to my flat, changed my number, and started to keep my distance from everyone who could tell Jake about me. Except Gwaine, because I knew that Gwaine could never betray me. Then...finally..." 

Arthur stopped. He _couldn't_ go on anymore. It was too painful. Too much. And he was just too much of coward to share it.

"What happened, Arthur?" Merlin's voice was full of concern and he looked at Arthur with his wide eyes and quivering lip and Arthur had almost forgotten what they were talking about. "Whatever it is, you can tell me," he added. 

"The bedroom window was broken. I used to park my car in the back and took the back door to enter the flat so no one would know that I was home. So I'd noticed that the bedroom window was broken. He'd found a way back in and I might have changed the locks to the flat but I hadn't changed the combination to the safe that was under the bed." 

"A safe?" Merlin asked. 

"My father believed in protecting yourself at all times and the paintings that hang in the sitting room—" 

"They're originals," Merlin said. "I've noticed." 

Arthur smiled. "Jake had no idea that they were originals. If he'd known, I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd try to sell them off for some acid. Anyway, I thought he'd figured it out and was back to steal something. But...the safe had something else..." 

"What was in the safe?" 

"My gun." 

"Why do you have a gun?" 

"Have I told you my father is insane?" 

Merlin chuckled. "No, but Kara has." He started to rub his thumb over Arthur's hand again. "What did he do with the gun?" He sounded scared and Arthur didn't blame him. If it was Arthur, he would have ran away and not looked back. He didn't know why Merlin was still in the car with him. 

"There was a note," Arthur said. 

"Arthur. No..." 

"It said, _I never knew how good I had it with you. Not until it was too late_." 

"Arthur..." Arthur rested his head on the steering wheel as Merlin rubbed the back of his neck. "It wasn't your fault."

"I can't, Merlin," Arthur said. "Don't you understand? I can't. Gwaine's been pushing me, but, I just—I can't love someone again. Not like that. It _broke_ me. I can't _trust myself_ to be happy." 

Merlin nodded but didn't respond. His hand also didn't leave the back of Arthur's neck. Arthur knew what he was saying; he knew what he wanted, but he also knew that the thought of Merlin's hands not on him was also terrifying. He'd started to want Merlin _that way_ , and it might be too late for Arthur. But, it wasn't too late for Merlin. Merlin still had a choice. Merlin could still save himself and walk away. 

"It wasn't your fault," Merlin said. "Jake needed help and he didn't—he wasn't brave enough. You survived it and he was—he took the easy way out. Maybe he needed a lot of help and maybe you just did the best you could do. You can't blame yourself for it and you can't shut yourself off from the world because of it." 

Arthur felt Merlin shiver and realised that his hands were ice cold, too. He'd shut off the car as soon as they'd arrived and he'd just gone on and on about his life...it was bloody freezing. "I'm sorry," he said. "You're cold and it's fucking freezing and here I am—" 

"No. Don't. Don't play the chivalry card on me right now. It's fine. I'm fine." 

"Of course," Arthur said. "Let's just head in so we can at least be warm. 

Merlin hesitated for a brief second and Arthur knew why that was. "Is this the same flat..." 

"No. After the police were done, I moved my things...most of my things and I was living with Morgana for a month before I bought this flat. It's not the same...I couldn't live there..." Arthur sighed again. "Listen, if you want to leave, I can phone a taxi, or drop you off at the Thirsty—" 

"No. I'm not leaving." 

Arthur nodded, but he didn't move; he kept staring at his hands. "That night..." 

"What night?" 

"The night of Gwaine's party at Avalon. It's been two years since—"

"The night you saw me and left?" Merlin asked; even though he was doing a good job hiding it, Arthur could hear the hint of amusement in Merlin's voice. 

"You're the first man since— who could keep my attention. Someone I just didn't want for..." Arthur sighed. "Anyway, no point talking about it now." 

"You have every right to love again, Arthur," Merlin said. 

"Do I?" Arthur asked. Merlin's hands were in Arthur's hair again and they rubbed his scalp slowly. Arthur wanted to lean into the touch but resisted. "Could you?" 

"Could I what?" Merlin asked. 

"Love me?" 

"I should hope that you already know the answer to that, Arthur."


End file.
